My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
'If you are going to kill each other, do it outside, I have just finished cleaning in here'
My mother taught me religion:
'You had better pray that it'll come out of the carpet'
My mother taught me time travel:
'If you don't stop doing that, I'll knock you into the middle of next week'
My mother taught me logic:
'Because I said so, that's why'
My mother taught me more logic:
'If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me'
My mother taught me foresight:
'Make sure you put on clean underwear in case you are in an accident'
My mother taught me irony:
'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about'
My mother taught me osmosis:
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper'
My mother taught me contortionism:
'Look at the dirt on the back of your neck'
More 'things my mother taught me' next time